20 Jokes That Will Get You Laughs, Guaranteed

I love jokes. People that know me are well aware of this. I carry around with me a mental reservoir of jokes so bad that people can’t help but laugh, roll their eyes, or scoff. A reaction of some kind is guaranteed, though.



1. If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does it make you an iWitness?


2. What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff.


3. Why couldn’t the bike stand up by itself?

It was two tired.


4. What do you call a midget fortune teller on the run?

A small medium at large.


5. Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives.


6. What did the cat say before running into the mirror?

“Hey, that’s me-ow.”


7. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?

I’m not sure, but the flag is a big plus.


8. I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It’s something I can see myself doing.


9. People are making Apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.


10. Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?

They said their favorite composer was “Bach, Bach, Bach!”


11. They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian – they’re not laughing now!


12. If you want a job in the moisturizer business, the best advice I can give you is to apply daily.


13. My new thesaurus is terrible.

Not only that, but it’s also terrible.


14. What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

“Oh sheet!”


15. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?



16. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.


17. What do you call a sketchy neighborhood in Italy?

A spaghetto.


18. What did the shoes say to the pants?



19. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?



20. Who invented the Round Table?

Sir Cumference.





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